There have been so many amazing articles written on this topic, numerous studies completed but none can quite do it justice. The dynamics of power and control in relationships are ever changing, ever evolving and effectively leaving relationships broken in its wake. Where we born with the need to control others? Yes, as studies show from birth we are programmed with the ability to influence others in order to survive. Think for a moment about a hungry newborn who cries to gain its mothers attention and receive the nourishment necessary for its survival. Let's take that imagine and compare it to a husband who slaps his wife when she doesn't act in a manner satisfactory to him. What do the two have in common? Power and control. One of these relationships depicts a healthy interaction while the other does not. One is about survival and growth while the other denotes weakness and a distortion of reality. Many therapists will not work with a couple engaged in a relationship with struggles of power and control or "domestic violence relationships" as they are well known and labeled. It is widely believed that a couple must be on equal ground in order for therapy to be successful. In relationships where violence is exhibited one partner has put themselves in a position of control over the other. Few of us can but imagine being in a relationship where you feel as if walking on eggshells has become part of your existence on this earth while sadly, many of us know the intensity of such pain. It can be expressed in a word picture of holding your breath as your life depends on it while drowning in the realization that at some point you must come up for air. Once a person comes to acknowledge that the scales of power in their relationship are unbalanced and in some cases broken; it can also be quite easy to get caught and imprisoned in feelings of shame and guilt. The most difficult part of the process however is seeking help. Seeking help for many can be a arduous understanding that nothing in life is perfect, that we all at times need support and that the things we seem to love the most can hurt unbridledly. Gladly, seeking help is also accepting awareness that things can be better and with time and effort... They will be. It is possible to live again. It is possible to reclaim life, love and livelihood. Whether struggles of power and control, domestic violence or domestic abuse are part of your life at present or a haunting by ghosts of your past; now can be your opportunity to move forward. Let your wellness journey begin.
*If you are someone you know is being hurt please seek help immediately. Domestic violence is never ok. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-SAFE.
"Sometimes we are so stuck in the past that we miss out on the blessings to come in the future. We have to leave room in our lives and our hearts for change. You cannot get to happily ever after without turning the page." - Sejginha Williams-Abaku, LMFT