Balancing your mate and your family of origin can be quite stressful and tedious. This can be especially true for an individual who is strongly enmeshed with their family of origin. If this balance is not met it can lead to marital or relationship disaster. It can leave your mate feeling as if they are of minimal importance in your life or are only of relevance when their mate does not have access to their family of origin. The most important people in your life can come together harmoniously if you know how to negotiate and properly disperse your time, attention and energy.
This balance can be made however by following a few simple rules:
1: Remember the emotional needs of your mate. As humans we were made with an inherent need to be loved and cared for. Be cognizant of those needs not only in yourself but also in your mate.
2: Follow the example of healthy relationships in your ecology. It is so easy to replay negative dynamics in relationships around which we were raised. Make an earnest effort to embody the positive relationships you have been exposed to.
3: The golden rule always applies. If both parties in the relationship treat each other how they would like to be treated or expect to be treated the relationship cannot flourish. For example: If you want to be listened to be a good listener. If you want to be trusted give trust.
Now for those on the other side of the equation this can also be a difficult situation. How do you ask for more attention, affection or overall reciprocity without seeming insecure, uncaring or even selfish? Well first and foremost tact is needed. It's important to speak to your emotions without speaking with your emotions. Get your point across in a way that prompts your partner to meet your needs without feeling accused or attacked. I statements have more weight than you statements. For example, statements like "I need" or "it would make me feel good" if or even "I appreciate/love" can end in a more positive response and results than statements like "you pay more attention to more mother" or "you need to grow up and stop" or "you always let her". Tone always plays a significant role in negotiations no matter the purpose. In this particular situation your tone should never be attacking, condescending or blaming. It's best to keep in mind that your goal is to gain results and not to spark an argument.
"Sometimes we are so stuck in the past that we miss out on the blessings to come in the future. We have to leave room in our lives and our hearts for change. You cannot get to happily ever after without turning the page." - Sejginha Williams-Abaku, LMFT